More Than 100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her Twinkles with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move your roommate's personal effects around. Start subtly. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," "Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian Arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
16. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
17. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
18. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
19. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
20. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
21. Smoke ballpoint pens.
22. Smile. All the time.
23. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
24. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
25. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
26. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.
27. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
28. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
29. Dye all your underwear lime green.
30. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
31. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
32. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
33. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
34. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
35. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
36. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
37. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
38. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
39. Shave one eyebrow.
40. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bed frame. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
41. Put horseradish in your shoes.
42. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
43. Always flush the toilet three times.
44. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
45. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
46. Give him/her an allowance.
47. Listen to radio static.
48. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
49. If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
50. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
51. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
52. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
53. Follow him/her around on weekends.
54. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
55. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
56. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
57. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
58. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.
59. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.
60. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.
61. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.
62. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
63. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she can find them.
64. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.
65. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
66. Use a bible as Kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say Jesus or God Damnit.
67. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
68. Collect Chia-Pets.
69. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
70. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
71. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
72. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
73. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.
74. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
75. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
76. Lick him/her while they are asleep.
77. Buy Lays potato chips with all your money. Stack the bags in the middle of the room in a pyramid. Eat them whenever your roommate is in the room. For every one you eat, offer your roommate one, each time telling him, "No one can eat just one."
78. Wear no clothes in the room except a cowboy hat.
79. Lay in the middle of the room and chant to pagan gods.
80. Plant grass in the carpet and scream at your roommate every time he/she takes a step in the room. Put up a 'please don't walk on the grass' sign.
81. Give your roommate's clothes to the Salvation Army.
82. Pretend to shower often but only wash your hair in the sink. See how long it takes your roommate to notice.
83. Read lots of science fiction and begin to act as though you think your roommate is an alien in disguise. Jump on him/her and try to rip off the humanoid mask the alien is wearing.
84. Invite a homeless person to live in your room and sleep in your roommate's bed.
85. Set off the smoke alarm in your room and tell the fire department your roommate was smoking.
86. Become your own twin brother and tell your roommate that you and your brother never appear in the same place at once. Tell your roommate the same thing again after leaving and coming back into the room.
87. Sleep face down under your mattress on a bunk bed and stare at your roommate all night through the springs.
88. Wear ammonia as a cologne.
89. Whenever your roommate goes to sleep, wake up.
90. Whenever your roommate wakes up, go to sleep.
91. Have really weird friends who have strange loud conversations. Whenever your roommate walks in, you all be quiet and stare at him/her until he/she leaves.
92. Mount a wall-sized mirror on your wall and then ask your roommate not to look at it because demonic forces from the other side will escape into this world if he/she does.
93. Build an ant farm. Let your ants have "jailbreaks". Then ask your roommate to help you hunt down all the renegade ants.
94. Nail boards across your window. When your roommate asks why, tell him you know they're all watching you.
95. Start a scab collection. Keep it in a locked glass case on your desk. Tell your roommate that you know s/he was looking for the key.
96. Start a neo-Christian cult. Hold nightly candle-lit rituals in your room with your followers.
97. Begin to accumulate a used gum ball. Weigh it every day. Accuse your roommate of stealing gum.
98. Throw blood on your roommate when s/he is wearing a coat and shout "animal killer".
99. Laugh a lot in the morning. Tell your roommate to be happy all the time.
100. Set your alarm clock for three o'clock. Push the doze button every 5 minutes when it beeps for the next five hours, each time telling your roommate that you'll wake up in five minutes.
101. Play Dungeons & Dragons all the time. Tell your roommate to obey you because you are the Dungeon Master. Attack invisible dragons with a cardboard sword.
102. Make a voodoo doll of your roommate. Kill it.
103. Learn the words to all your roommate's favorite songs. Sing along.
104. Learn to play an accordion.
105. Build a snowman out of big balls of toilet paper. Throw water on it and begin to cry that the snowman is melting.
106. Put Vaseline on everything. Tell your roommate that you were just trying to "loosen up" the room.
107. Tell your roommate on a daily basis that he/she is projecting negative karma.
108. Learn a lot of quotations. Whenever you talk to your roommate, say nothing but quotes for three weeks.
109. Adopt an iguana. Collect the skin peelings. Give them to your roommate as a peace offering from Peter (the iguana).
110. Bring several dogs to your room. Hold conversations with them whenever your roommate comes in. If he complains, tell him he is being prejudiced on the basis of your friends' species. Call him/her a bigot.
111. Buy seven different colored yo-yo's. Practice with them seven hours a day, alternating yo-yo's on the hour.
112. Create an animal cemetery in your floor. Hold memorial services. If your roommate complains, tell him/her that s/he has no respect for the dead.
113. When your roommate is typing, type on your keyboard in synchronization.
114. Become a Trekkie. Talk to your communicator. Tell Scottie to beam you up and run quickly from the room. If your roommate asks, tell him "Dammit, Jim, I'm just a doctor!"

Post-Scriptum

As far as I know, the author of this list is unknown.